WIHBA: Maharashtrian Pregnant Zombie ka Badla: Stand-Up Comedy GC

WIHBA will of course de-acronymize to While I Have Been Away, and the second in the series will be the time I was made to participate in the Hindi Stand-Up Comedy GC. The joke apparently doesn’t end there, as I was told later that I pulled it off with much élan, until, of course, the zombie act I performed to end my performance, disgusting everyone present in the process.

Khair, mein nahi to mera Hostel hi sahi. Shyamlal, a dear batchie and wingie, evoked a generous hoot from onlookers with his take on the absence of Tum-Tums in the Insti, acquiring the third position. His script, devoid of any vulgarity, will appear in a separate post after mine(this is my blog after all).

To anyone proceeding to read the stuff below- I may come across as a depraved loony sexist, which is not at all incorrect. I may also seem like someone who makes really bad cliché jokes to appease those with a really bad sense of humour, which is absolutely true. With these wise words I present to you:

Maharashtrian Female Pregnant Zombie ka… *Badla*

Yaar kya yaar.

Judges, Aapko mein sach batau to mujhe yaha zabardasti pakad ke laya gaya hai. Udhar mein apne room me padha aaraam se Nikki Loren, Jenna Jameson aur Savita Bhabhi ke haseen nazare dekh raha tha, ki achanak darwaaza khula aur mera Cult Councillor apni Secretaries ki fauj leke andar ghus aaya. Usne kaha, “Isey yaha nahi, waha khada karo.”

Aur ab mein yaha khada hu aap ke saamne, Stand Up Comedy GC me.

Khair, aa gaya hu to do shabdh keh hi deta hu.

Cult Co. Hamare hostel ke Civil Dept. ke thehere, hum Chemical walo ki doordasha kya jaane. Itta lukkha aadmi mein aaj tak life me nahi dekha. Dekha jaaye to Civil ke saare hi log kaafi lukkhe hote hai. Life me kucch karne ko nahi hota.

Maan lijiye ek aise hi Civil ke Mahashay than le “Nahi, ab mein lukkha nahi kaatunga!” aur join kar le Art of Living ko. Waha bhi kucch mahine baad tang aakar kahe, “Mere is jeevan ka koi mahattva nahi hai. Ab to mein Bholenaath ki Tapasya karke unse hi poochhunga Jeevan ka rahasya. “

Tapasya chalu, aur ek din prasann ho kar Bhagwaan Shiva prakat ho gaye.

“Bolo vatsa, kya paane ke icchuk ho?”

“Hey Bholenaath! Mujhe jeevan ka rahasya…accha jo chahiye wahi milega?”

“Exactly, vatsa.”

“Bandiya!! Bholenaath, yaha ke boys to girls ratio ko reverse kar dijiye.”

“Tathaastu.”

Unke adrishya hote hi hamare Mahashay uchhal pade, aur poore insti ka chehera hi badal gaya.

H10 aur h11 me ab bande rehene lage. Do SAC ke badle ab Spa khade ho gaye, ek Indian Herbal Treatment ke liye aur dooosra Thai <caressing my thigh at the same time with a slutty{whatever the male equivalent is} look thrown in> massage ke liye. Hamare ground ke gym ke badle ab ek bada sa beauty parlour ban gaya, jaha ladkiya to zaroor, ladke bhi apna metalhead wala hairstyle karwana jaate hai.

Baat karte hai tum-tum ki. Pehele jab 2-3 ladke chandenge tab to thoda bahut attention enjoy kar liya jayega, lekin thode dino baad situation kucch is tarah hoga.

<Guy travelling on a bus while standing. Harried look>

“Arey ye tum kya kar rahi ho!”

“Mein keheta hu chhodo mujhe! Tumhare ghar me baap bhai nahi hai kya?”

Ye to chaliye inka sudhra hua roop hai. Ab zara sochiye jab bandiyo ki fauj jaa rahi ho LT ke taraf freshie orientation ke waqt, tab inki naarebazi kaise hogi.

“H1 ki naak ka chuha!”

“H2 ke baap ka ghosla!”

“H3 tera bhai-chor!”

Aur bhi kucch aise hi.

 

General Championship, jaise ki ye chal raha hai, inka roop kyu naa badle? Ek naye GC ke roop me ye..ummm..<All the while depicted a solitary finger going into a hole made by two fingers of the other hand obscenely>…ummm…haa Knitting GC hua karegi. Kaun kitta accha seeta hai, sabse tez, vagaira vagaira.

Koi cheez aurat ko agar heere- jawaharato se zyada pasand hai to wo hai gossip. Aur bitching. To ek Bitching GC hi kyu nahi? Sochiye chal raha ho H3 aur H2 ke beech, Bitching GC.

“Saali kalmoohi! Tujhe to mein hamesha dekhti hu H0 ke saamne jeebh latakate hue khadi reheti hai. Aur us din to, us din to tujhe maine dekha tha un matko ko treat dete hue Coffee Shack me, saali kulta!”

H2 ka karaara jawaab:-

“Hey you shut up bitch, I know you recharge the cells of all those d00000000ds from H10! You are the one who is screwed up ya!”

 

Hamare Insti me kaafi baar film screenings hoti reheti hai, jaise ki aaj Valentine’s Day ke avsar par LT me Kucch Kucch Hota hai screen ho rahi hai. Ab to bhai films to ditch hi ho jayengi, bas TV serials screen honge- Kyuki Saas bhi Kabhi Bahu thi, Baalika Vadhu, Main Tulsi Tere Angan ki, vagaira vagaira. Aur har National Holiday pe ek special episode air hoga, jaise ki mess me baithe ye do ladkiya discuss kar rahi hai.

“Arey, tune suna? Aaj kke episode me Kkusum apne Kkangan todne waali hai!”

“Kkangan! OMG! That is s00000 exciting!”

“Haaa! Aur pata hai kab todegi? Ekdum aakhri me! Kitta suspense hai na!”

 

MI ki baat to chhod hi do. Kaha PT, ab to Justin Beiber aayega ‘Baby Baby’ karte hue. PAF <deep inhalation with a shudder> PAF ki baat to chhod hi dijiye. Pichhle baar H4 ko H10 ke saath joda gaya tha, and result? Ramleela, Insti ka sabse kvlt PAF. Wais ek raaz ki baat batau? Theme ka idea bhi H10 ka hi tha.

Aap isse probably idea laga sakte hai ki bandiyo ke dimaag me kaise arbit khayal aate hai. PAF me to ab aisa hi arbitaap chalne lagega. Aur ant me banega ek grand PAF jiska title hoga:-

Maharashtrian Female Pregnant Zombie ka… *Badla*

“Flashback mode, dardnaak kahani zombie ki zubaani”

<Gruff voice>

“Abey saala, aake saala thok ke chala gaya, saala halkat!”

“Main bas apna kaam kar rahi thi, kisi ka garden chaba rahi thi ki peechhe se wo kutreyaa aaya aur daboch liya. Mujhe single mom chhodke chala gaya!”

“Ohhhh! <Grimace> Labour pains! OH!! ARRRGGHHHH!”

<Here I show as if I am taking a baby outta my ass and while clutching it in one hand, I bite off the umbilical cord, thus separating us>

“Arey saala, meine iske liye bikul plan nahi kiya tha. Iska baap kaha hai? KAHA HAI ISKA BAAP!”

<I break into the audience, looking around  when I spot the judges. One of ‘em is pointing towards the other. I go deposit the hypothetical baby in his arms>

Finis

 

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