The Despicable DOSA

A  short note first:

(This will be the first instance where you encounter a short note which has the ability to bore. Therefore, if you like, you can skip this part)

Dosa, the Food of Freedom, the Snack of Southies, the Grub of Gultis, the Toast of Tamils, the Meal of Malyalis, the Kraving of Kannadas, the Favourite of Families, the Diet of Deities, blah blah blah…

In IIT Bombay, the inference of a DOSA is somewhat Different.

DOSA stands for Dean of Student Affairs. He is that enigmatic man who sits behind his desk wielding that wand of unfathomable might. He has the power to say ‘Alohomora’ and keep a student locked up inside the intricate system of semesters, or say ‘Avada Kedavra’ by virtue of which the student ceases to be a part of IIT Bombay.

In IIT B, DOSA is a thing to be wary of, to be frightened of, a name to cower from. An IITian quails under his name and shudders incessantly.

Now for the story…

The room, that day, was adorned by the presence of Maggu, InterIIT and Mr.G, with Haridwaar making the plastic  chair auspicious with the sheer contact of his blissful butt with the polyethylenic material. We, the Students of Science, had decided to channelize our endeavours towards the cause of Robotics, and were therefore watching Transformers 2 on Mistri’s PC in his room, while he played Mafia with a group of boisterous brats in the adjacent room.

Even though Mr. G and I had already seen the movie, we decided that a close scrutiny of the machines might help in going deeper into the womb of knowledge. Haridwar constantly whined that he had to go somewhere, but couldn’t ‘coz Shadri had bolted the room from outside. Might I remark beforehand, that we weren’t watching the movie due to the fact that Megan Fox starred in it. It wasn’t wholly our concern that half her boobs spilled out while running away from Megatron, and threatened to rip apart the tense fabric of her top when she bent over Shia, those creamy white milky dollops of flesh hanging over his face as he saw Heaven for one last time…


Anyways we were witnessing this high testosterone, sexy fight between Optimus Prime and the sidekicks of Megatron whose name I always forget and am too lazy to Google up now, when the door burst open, ricocheting off the wall with the hinges creaking ominously. Mistri had just come in, mouthing something incoherently.

“What the fuck is it?” I shouted.

“Shut down the PC.” He commanded.

“What?” asked InterIIT.

“Just do it. The Anti- Ragging profs are here.”

“Nobody’s ragging us.” Said Maggu.

“They came into our room and told all the children to scram off. “ ranted Mistri, breathless,”If you guys wanna be safe just go!”

But that was not to be.

Right then entered the profs, 3 of ‘em. The light was turned on. The leader looked voracious enough to grind to pieces a few InterIITian bones.

“What’s goin’ on?” said Leader (or shall we call him Prof1 ?) and though it had nothing to do with the present situation, I was forcibly reminded of a similar song in Salaam Namaste. The reminiscence didn’t help me at all to adapt to the current melancholic scenario, as I struggled to camouflage the snide smile that had cropped up on my face.

“Sir, we were watching a movie.” Said Mr.G.

“Which movie?”

Mistri struggled with his choice of words before he said ,”Transformers 2, saar”

Prof1 glanced at the screen. Some chivalrous chutiya had ventured to close the VLC window, so now the wallpaper was the sole object of our attention.

Elisha Cuthbert stood there clad in an orangish bikini, flashing a demure smile towards our lot.

“No, I don’t believe you. Show me the exact thing you were seeing. Come on, come on.”

Maggu fumbled with the mouse as he double-clicked the VLC icon, which popped up to conceal Elisha’s face, highlighting her assets all the more. He played the movie.

“This was the movie, sir.” Said he, as he seeked ahead, so that the opening credits immediately changed to the scene where Megan Fox was changing into her white dress in the garage. It took Maggu a split second to realize his folly, and he seeked all the more, the mouse coming to rest this time on the scene where Megan Fox bent over Shia…

“No show me the exact thing which you were seeing.” Ordered Prof1.

“This was what we were watching.” Said Haridwar, while the rest of us acknowledged his statement.

“You don’t know the rules in here? You aren’t supposed to come out of your rooms after dinner.”

What the fuck, Baap ka Raaj?

Aloud I said,”Why sir?”

“You just aren’t. Don’t argue.”

“I am sorry sir”

He swerved behind, jerking towards the security guard who had accompanied him. “Confiscate all their ID’s.”

“But sir…”, Cried all.

“Nothing doing… you have come here to study. Confiscate all their ID’s”

“Sir, my ID is in my room.” Said InterIIT.

“Mine too.” said I.

“Go and bring it. And don’t try to run away.”

“Of course not sir.” said I.

I went to my room. Got the wallet out of my pocket. Procured the ID, and stood looking at my picture, wondering what kind of rotten luck had got me into this mess only 4 weeks after admissions. I was contemplating hiding under my bed, but it seemed that the security guard had followed my lead. I handed him over the ID.

I saw the others making a last ditch effort to stall the progress of the Squad. I noticed that InterIIT had slinked off, the sly bastard. As Prof 1 neared the staircase, I stepped up to apprehend him.

“Excuse me sir, is watching a movie illegal in IIT?”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Then why…?” said Mr. G.

“Because I have my own doubts.”

“But what are you going to do sir?” asked Maggu.

“These ID’s shall be handed over to the DOSA. I will contact you in 2 days.”

And with the repartee, he went off, the other mute profs maintaining the flank.

“Why the fuck should the Anti- Ragging Squad care if we watch movies or whatever?” enquired I.

“That’s because they were the Ragging squad, not Anti.” Said Mr.G.

We called our respective mentors, who decided that the best course of action would be to wait, which we did. Nothing really happened until…

Five Days later…

(Here, the readers are encouraged to enhance their powers of envisioning situations, and imagine the above as you might have beheld in a Bollywood movie as the prologue or epilogue. Or rather, when upon the celluloid sex is depicted by nudging two marigolds close together which is followed by the line ‘Nau maheene Baad”, and the wailing cacophony of a brat in a make believe maternity ward invariably succeeds and reverberates aggravatingly.)


Five days later…

Though I myself never got to behold it, Haridwar reckoned that the Hostel Blackboard had all our names written, which a throng of people were glimpsing and tsk-tsking.

The mentors had fixed a meeting with DOSA at 5 pm. I dressed up accordingly, wearing a long sleeved T-shirt fully buttoned and oiling up my hair to give a profound effect. All of us went to the office, as the Mentors asked us genially to make our asses comfortable while they had a chat with him.

We shifted around in our seats, waiting for the unknown, making small talk with Scrabbler who had just come in to acquire permission for some place to hold a workshop. Time and again we would glance in the direction of the DOSA’s office, wondering all the while why it was taking them so long.

A few minutes passed before they came out, displaying the IDs triumphantly.

They told us that DOSA told them that Prof1 had told him that when he had asked us what was that we were watching, we had been unable to mouth it properly.

“Kya Faart hai!” said Mistri.”We told him everything. He’s making a version of his own.”

“He’s a prof, man,” said Maggu, ”What do you expect?”

And so ended this chapter, in this lame way. We had gone expecting a rustication order, or one detention, and if not even that, at least a list mentioning the names of all the Notorious Nerds on some list displayed in each and every hostel. But this anticipation was in vain.

We emerged from the office, and as I unbuttoned my collar, Mr. G said, “ Oe, lets watch Terminator Salvation today…”


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