“Once upon a time, in the far away land of Qvendolia…”
“Come on gimme a break! I ain’t three years old anymore.” said I, exasperated.
“Will you at least hear me out first?”
“OK…ok… go ahead.”
“Once upon a time, in the far away land of Qvendolia, there lived a King, as prosperous as any other in his time, bold and courageous and just. As was a Queen, as is oft the case, and the pallor of her cheek had been much described by lyrical bards to be akin to the primroses that bloomed on the upper reaches of Mount Blavska. For many years they ruled and were adored by each of their subjects. However, the Queen hadn’t yet begotten a child to the King, and this remained a matter of grim concern for the Kingdom and grief to both of them.
Besides the Palace stood an orchard and garden of heavenly beauty, owned by a witch named Kariova. The mere sight of her cackling while weaving her way through the woods and the vineyards, as the farmers returning from fields or the sentry during twilight would sometimes catch, was enough to send shivers snaking down their spine. Even though luscious apples blossomed up on the boughs, and the perfume of hibiscus filtered in the houses nearby unadultered, nobody considered himself or herself blighted enough to venture within the perimeters of her abode. As for the King, he really didn’t care. Live and Let Live And Drink Mead While You Are At It, such was his Motto.
The Queen, however, once did chance to see the most succulent rampions in the garden, and she bade the King to get it for her, who is turn bade the soldiers, who simpered and defecated in their armoured pants at the mere prospect. The King, oblivious and unheeding of the portents, scaled the wall, yanked some off the root, and brought it to the much content Queen, all the while smirking at his knights. The Queen was so overcome by the taste of those wonderfully delicious rampions that she bade him to do her bidding a second time.
And so the King went again, and yelped in alarm at the hideous face that now leered at him. She could give Medusa a run for her money, thought the King to himself.
‘Scum of the earth! You dare steal the fruits of this garden fit for the Gods?’
‘Well, technically, my kingdom, my earth, if you get the drift…’
‘Silent you spluttering son of a snail! I give not the Slaigh Des Phaag to who you are! I shall toast you with the glance of my evil eye!’ And even as she said so, her forehead started to contort, an eyelid gradually materialising.
The King stood transfixed, horror struck, but then raised a hand as if to reason.
‘Wait O you Seer of the foulest ghouls, O you grotesque excuse for a woman! I shall pay you richly provided you let me go!’
Kariova weighed this. ‘I have no interest in those huge gold ingots that you possess. I merely wish to cradle a child within my bosom…’
‘Aah, is that so? Well I can’t say that you really enchant me, you Warthog Dressed in Human Skin, but should you amble by the tavern I have heard stories of drunk revellers mistaking livestock for their wives, if you know what I mean..’
‘Silence Imbecile! I shall allow you to take away the rampions on the condition that you deliver to me the first child that is born to you.’
‘Hah! I am impot..ahem ahem…alright, it shall be done.’
Now it so transpired that the rampions possessed some magical qualities, and therefore when the Queen brimming with joy puked royal vomit with her attendees gushing nearby, the King recoiled in horror, recalling the vow the wily witch had made him take. Imagine the Queen’s sorrow a few months later when Kariova came along, while the entire kingdom wept, to claim the beautiful baby girl, and as she exited with the baby in her arms the Queen collapsed on her throne.
Kariova travelled with the girl to the outskirts of the city, to the forest surrounding Mount Blavska, known as Merinske. It was here in this fearful forest that it was rumoured that she had a plot of land which she had purchased during the real estate boom a few years ago, and in that land she had a stone tower, made many years ago by none other than the Horrible Hag Helga. She had, for some strange reason, built the staircase outside the tower, which culminated in an open window.
It was in this tower that Kariova raised the little girl, whom she named Rapunzel. When Rapunzel was big enough to eat, walk and sleep without shouting ‘Momma!’ everytime lightning struck the weathercock of the tower, Kariova stopped staying there and went back to her home to care for her vegetables. However, she would visit Rapunzel every day, bringing with her rations and wine. One fine day, the staircase, out of sheer age, crumbled and broke down…”
“And then she said Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair and Rapunzel let down her hair and she climbed up and fed her and then some prince came along attracted by her song and one day the witch discovered this and sent some blasted creature who he killed and then strangled the witch blah blah blah…I know this already!” said I, drowsy from the drone that had been issuing nonstop from this old gent for the past few minutes. “Can we skip to the end and get to the point, please?”
“Aahha! Patience is of the essence my boy, it surely is!” said he, looking down at me with his thoughtful eyes. “Alright, for you I shall cut this story short, a pity, but nevertheless, let us come to the part where the witch discovers the Prince, Igor being his name, canoodling Rapunzel. Kariova, seething with rage rushed to smite Igor, who rappelled down the tower, shouting ‘I shall come back for you Rapunzel!’ before making contact with the ground. Kariova muttered a few spells which conjured up a terrible creature, with a bat’s wings, an aardvark’s body and a human arse for a mouth, which Kariova called Badass.”
“Hahahahaha!”
“Can you not interrupt me again?”
“Sorry.” Said I, looking at him attentively.
“No sooner had the Prince ridden a few yards into the forest when this creature was upon him, flinging him away from his stead atop the palomino. The Prince stood up and faced this loathsome creature, for he was brave, and unsheathing his sword, advanced. When he was just a hand away, the mouth of the creature unfastened and Igor was drowned in the most putrid gale he had ever come across, and such was its power that he found himself being dragged and his clothes being blown away. When the mouth finally closed, the Prince was left wearing only his bare essentials.
Not the one to give up easily, he advanced again, swinging his sword like a man possessed when Badass stood on its hind legs, and started to tweak two spots on its chest. Unbelievably enough, Igor found himself staring with incredulity at two eyes, and as soon as he had done this he felt a molten hot sensation searing his insides. He keeled over, the last remnants of his breath being drawn in a struggle, and then lay still, unmistakeably dead. Kariova then cut off Rapunzel’s hair, leapt off and survived with a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder, and never returned. Rapunzel ultimately starved to death.”
“Whoa…whoa…this is not what I heard. Are you sure about this?”
“Positive. However, all this is about to change. By the way, I trust you haven’t got a clue how Prince Igor used to appear like.”
“’Course not.”
“Have a look.” He said holding out what looked like a portrait.
I took one glance at it and grew pale. My hands trembled, I had to drop the portrait on the floor. I looked up at the old man, who claimed to be my Mentor, and yet would not give his name. He surveyed me with a feeling of sadness and understanding.
“Yes, it is indeed you. You were killed most mercilessly, and now is your time to avenge your murdered love.”
“But how shall I get past this evil beast, when in the past I have failed to do so?”
“Fret not dear Prince, for I have a solution. You shall have to procure and wear a Valentino White and Rose shirt, an Armani Dark Denim Jeans, Dolce Gabbana Black Belt, a Tommy Hilfiger Sack Coat, and a Hamlet Vintage Grey Derby Shoe, for these are the toughest attires known in the world and would enable you to travel the cold dark forest of Merinske snugly before you reach the tower.”
“But how in the name of God will I protect myself from the gust of stench with which Badass incapacitates its opponents?”
“For that you shall have to purchase an Armani Jeans Windbreaker. Nothing will get past this devil of a cloth.”
“And what about its fatal gaze? Surely that is something which cannot be overcome?”
“Its eyes give off light of a certain wavelength that can cause instant death in a human. However, Hugo Boss Black/Brown Shades blocks these wavelengths and facilitates clear vision. You won’t have a thing to fear.”
“But these are too many! I don’t have the slightest idea how to get all of these at once!”
“Don’t worry, here is a list of what to do and what to obtain.” He handed over a chit. I saw a link, and went through the items again, among which a LIV Jeans Dress Multicolour and a Hugo Boss White Strap Sandal also featured. No doubt, to present to Rapunzel once I reached there. I folded it and kept it in my pocket.
“This happened quite a while ago I suppose?”
“Yes, nearly 2000 years ago. You, O brave Prince, shall reach there by a time machine, which you will find besides your pillow when you wake up in the morning. Extend the crown outwards and rotate it anticlockwise around five and a quarter times to transport yourself back in time. But you should refrain from using it until you have all that you need for this quest.”
“Excellent! All I lack now is a sword.”
“Why do you need a sword? Just kick its groin.”
“Aah, yes, of course.”
“Farewell Prince! May God be with you!”
I woke up, ensconced within my bed sheets, my heart thudding vigorously. I saw a gift wrapped package besides my pillow. The sunlight streamed in through the window to reveal a Tommy Hilfiger watch. Although my parents later insisted it was a birthday present, I knew better.
So here is my unbelievably sad, albeit true story. Somewhere my beloved Rapunzel mourns my absence, while being tormented by starvation. Every minute to her is a like an epoch, every tread by an animal on the forest floor a false alarm of my coming.
My sweet, poor Rapunzel.
Therefore I urge you to support me, dear readers, by clicking on this link, and making one of your own inventory lists to blog about it, so that I know I haven’t missed anything important I may require. I will need all the help you folks can give. Got a Princess to rescue, you see.
